we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
