Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He felt like a one man threesome
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
