see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
