I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
