She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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