Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
