I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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