the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
