you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
