omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
