You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
be right there i have to get my cape
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
