That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
