I just pynch a tree in the face
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
