If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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