totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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