she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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