Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
