I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
