i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you had me at cake vodka
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
