So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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