I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
