FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
