I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can text with my tongue
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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