it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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