I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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