i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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