Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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