mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
