just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
