Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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