If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
