She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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