Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
