Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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