Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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