My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
