Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
