If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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