I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
