I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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