On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
