Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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