i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
