I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
