this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
