So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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