my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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