We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
