I think I died a long time ago.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
