he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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