You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
