She said her name was "party"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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