Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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