Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
