Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
