Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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