that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
