forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
